stars tearing

looking high up in the skies,
stars blanket my loneliness,
night breeze keeping me accompanied.

Escaping from the attention of my bunkies,
retreating to a corner, to miss life, miss her.
Strength that i need, no longer there,
only skies of stars keeping me for the night.

No darker then the skies be found,
i found myself tearing again.
Finding myself drained,
i chose to say every of my questions to the stars.

Having enough to stop thinking,
Having so to stop.

Want to stop,
Need to stop,
Failed to stop,

Maybe she has already move on with life.
Maybe i no longer means anything.

Looking across that little island full of memories, ever changing.
With more changes, my heart not able to keep up pieceing back memories we did had.
Remembering conversation,
remembering her smile under the shine of the sun,
blocking my line of sight,
seeing only her with smiles is all i wanted to.

Thats all i know.

Now that she has move on with others,
i shall keep only memories.
I shall be sensible.
I cant step in the way anymore.
So sorry for myself then

delicate

putting my pen down,
i have not stopped writing,
it is not that i'm afraid,
it is not that i don't believe,
it just that i never stopped trying.

Why would you borrow words,
from the place you only know,
to fill myself with sorrow.

it is delicate, so delicate.
why did you fill my sorrow,
with the selfishness of yourself.
why did you say i'm sorry,
with the consequence untouched.

my pen stops writing,
for tears have made the letter illegible,
for the ink seems too young for this,
paper seems so innocent in this whole.

Never had silence feel my heart this long,
never had my pen stops writing,
never had the writer stops thinking,
now the writer can only think,
what had he wrote all these while,
what he had wrote with life.

Now he can only nostalgia over the words,
over the pages,
over the stains of memoir on some pages,
over some chapters of the book.


_chapter_

You have a better choice then i do,

You can choose to love or not to love me,

whereas,

I get to only choose to love you or to love you deeper.

You once mentioned, "life isn't fair",

i never did understood that meaning,

now, i post it in my own understanding,

yes, life isn't fair, not at all.

How much must i, should i, do i ought to do.

Can't be love be simpler ?

Why must love be so hard to understand ?

What is love ?

I'm thrown into a maze of you,

Do you remember me telling you that every moment about us i will remember?
Because i treasure this relationship a lot?

How we spend our time after work,
How you brought me to eat prata, Fish heads steamboat, food at chomps,
cartel at chomps, ice creams at swens, butter scotch, bread down my house, oreo frappe.
I've yet to get any excuse to celebrate at Haagen Daze,
Remember the first fondue i made?

Remember it was pouring in the night, and i took an umbrella without hesitation and waited for you outside kumon? I was silly then, i was so worried that you might end work early, and i kept worrying, i was moving quickly and stumbling along the passage way, i had a injured ankle. Then when i reached, i tried to peep into the window curtains to see if you are still there. I saw you through the small gap, i was relief. I know you wont have to be drenched. But i was.

Remember we took a long journey and into the army camp site in a bus ? I enjoyed being a tourist, enjoyed listening to your every word. I was amazed by the place, but i was even more attracted to you.

Remember the first time we went to the zoo? you wanted so badly for the horse carriage, and i wanted that with you too, but then we didn't had the chance.

Remember the first celebration we had? your birthday and our one month anniversary? We had dinner at Indochine and followed by an ice-cream treat at haagen daze. Covering ourselves in the blanket of stars, we enjoyed our ice cream above so many others in a building roof.

Remember the first quarrel we had? it was foolish isn't it. It wasn't about us to start with.

Remember the football jigsaw you wanted us to complete together? You were so stubborn to not follow the numbers printed behind. In the end, we had to mis-piece all and re-do again. It was Mos burger i remembered. I enjoyed myself, and that's why i wanted to give you a jigsaw too. But its never complete. It was never given a chance to complete. Just like us, maybe we did not give this relationship a chance to complete itself.


Remember the first time i wanted to surprise you at kumon? I was a muddlehead back then, i have forgotten how to get there. Finally i reached there, i was happy, excited actually, wanted so badly to see your expression on your face.

Remember when we were working at coffee club? You texted me saying that you had a surprise for me, that suppose to be your off day. But you appeared working. At first i thought my wishes came true, to see you again, i missed you back then. I was thrilled to see you there. See you smile so brightly. Wow...it's really amazing.

Remember how nervous you are when you about to present your entre project? I was too. Felt quite warmth to know that i could share the same feeling with you that moment. Felt so right in heart.

Oh ya, I remembered you coming to my void deck so late in the night, passing me a present and mooncakes Yes i had predicted it, but then i was all so happy to see you again. Seeing you lighting candles, the little girl in you in action, i was drunk seeing.

I remember always trying to pay attention to things that you said you will like, i tried hard to remember. Honey mustard, four leaves, fish soup rice, home fav's, so much and many more. i even tried to remember what your granny likes. Yes i am trying to get into good books with her. Because i'm all so serious about you.

There are so many things i regretted doing, hurting you is the most regretful thing i had done. I'm so sorry. Maybe i should stand in your shoe to think more, but haven't i done that too much? It is contradicting, i am confused.

jus glad ~

Now that you are happy by yourself,
freed from all nonsense,
I'm glad for you.
Just plain gladness.

Just as glad, as how you finished your projects on time after all nights,
How many times have i been there for you even when i'm trapped myself,

Just as glad, when you first started your attachment,
with you working and attachment,
i was worried,
how small things like bites and things you loved,
i remembered,
even if i can't, i wrote all down,
so long i can at least brighten your weary day,
seeing your smile is so worth every effort.
so worth so worth,
so worth, that i start missing very pieces of memory i left,

Just as glad when you passed your driving,
i was up on my toes,
praying for your pass,
You did it !
i was glad.
I then realized that i've tried too much too hard,
hurting you and myself.

Leaving only words to be kept only in my heart,
flowing out when we quarrel is one thing i dread to do,

I'm glad for you now...
for now, finally, i can take my breathe,
i can start picking myself from where i left my selfless me,
putting you in first, i've neglected even myself.

now that i can take a breathe....
its a breathe i rather not take...
it hurts, simply does.